Letter to my boys

After dealing with my nephews everyday I have decided on being so much more of a better parent then my brother.  My best friend wrote this letter to her soon to be 2 year old son and I have decided to take this myself. :)

Dear Ethan & Parker,

I knew, when I carried you in my belly, that this life would be a hard one for you to live. It’s becoming harder and harder for people much younger and younger. Today, mommy read something about a young girl who ended her life because people were mean to her and she felt alone. Which is why I’m writing this letter to you, one of the hundreds I will write over the years.

That young lady took her life, in mommy’s opinion, for many reasons. People were not nice to her. She felt alone. Her parents missed the mark. I know I will mess up as a mother. I will fail you and in turn, you will make mistakes I should have prepared you better for. But I’m going to try my hardest to make those failures as few and far in between as humanly possible.

Monkey's, you’re not always going to like me. I’m not going to play the part of one of your “buddies.” It is my honor, duty and privilege to be your mother, your soldier, your advocate, your confidant. After all of that, I am your friend. But never before and never in its place. I cannot and will not give you everything you want.

I will do my best to teach you how to defend yourself with your words and physically, because sometimes, you might have to defend yourself against the ugliness of peoples hearts. I will do my best to teach you to be kind to others, to base your reactions on actions versus assumptions. I will do my best to teach you that you are loved no matter if you are straight, gay, artistic, non-artistic, soft spoken or loud as all hell. I will do my best to give you what is lacking in this world right now.

I will push you to be your best. I will be nosy. I will ask you where you are going and with whom. I will probably drive by to check. I will not let you have a computer in your room. You will not have a cell phone unless you can foot the bill. You will buy your first car which will probably be a piece of shit. And you will value it that much more because you will have earned it. I will remove your door if need be. I will not get you the newest whatever when you already have things JUST BECAUSE your friends got the new junk. I will encourage you to be yourself despite the crowd. I will nurture your passions to the best of my ability.

I will remember that I was a kid once. That I was self-conscious of my apparent poverty, of my looks, my thoughts, my feelings. I will remember that I wanted my independence but I also wanted to know my parents cared. I will remember that I thought I knew it all at a very early age. I was wrong about a lot. But I still believed. And it took lessons learned to show me otherwise.

I will live my life and let you live yours, under my guidance and helping hand. I will let you stand alone to be the best damn man you can possibly be.

I will emphasize education, articulation, respect for yourself, for women, for elders, for animals, for this earth, for children. I will teach you that respect 9 times out of 10 MUST be earned. I will emphasize that you only get ONE life.

I love you, Ethan William & Parker Adam, to no end. I will fight the good fight for you, beside you. You will resent me, hate me, call me mean and evil. I hope, someday, you know – I will do what I can to give you something better. I don’t need you to think I’m cool. I need you to respect me. To appreciate the message I hope to spread.

I will lay down my life for you, if thats what it takes.

I will not, and I repeat, will not bury you.

Love, Mommy

Staying in the upright and lock position

So my boys at almost 7 months will sit up on their own as long as I put them in that position. Im so happy we finally hit that milestone. But as far as crawling they really don't want and part of it. They'd prefer to roll to their desired destination. :) Although Ethan would now prefer to stand up and he flies around in his walker in all directions. Parker can do it too only when he isn't lazy. Lol I just can't believe they will be 7 months old on New Years Eve!! Where has the last 7 months gone?????

Teething and so called friends....

So the boys have been teething like crazy! 1st time around they ended up with runny noses, ear infections and fevers! Ugh. Well I guess it's time for round 2! They both have started to become extremely cranky... Drooling everywhere and now have runny noses. Let the fun begin!

On another note I am going to vent here. Someone who is supposed to be my best friend and I have known them for at least 15 years has not yet met these boys. It's been 6 months since they have entered this world and everytime I try to plan something with her I get excuses. But on her days off I get no call or text! Then to see she is making plans with another friend on saturday just makes me angry and sad. *sigh* I guess I can say another one bites the dust.

Sick Babies :( and Boot Camp Workout Classes

(POST WAS WRITTEN 11/9/11)So its been a little while since my last post but today seemed like a good day to write a little something.  For the last week both boys have had runny noses and have just been all around congested. Well the last few nights they have been really fussy and running some low grade fevers.  I have been doing the best any mother could do since it is really because they are teething.  Well last night Parker started pulling on his left ear and I called the dr to schedule an appt.  I ended up just bringing both babies because it doesn't hurt to check the other one while I am there.  Well Parker had a low grade fever and his ears were red but no infection but the dr put him on amoxicillin to play it safe.  She then checked Ethan who also has a low grade fever except he does have an ear infection in his right ear and he is also on amoxicillin. Go figure the one who shows no signs has it.*sigh*  But on another note I got to find out how much my babies weight.... Ethan is 16lbs even and Parker is 15lbs 5oz. No where near fat or even big which is what my MIL seems to think. I hate that these boys do not feel good.  Wish there was more I could do for them.  I am going to take them to the chiropractor tomorrow to have them adjusted since I was told that helps with the spitting up and it also helps everything drain.  We shall see....


On another note I went to a boot camp workout class on Monday night.  I got my butt kicked but it felt sooo good. I am definitely feeling it today and contemplating going back.  Billy isn't going to go tonight so I am attempting to see if my sister may want to go since her 1st day is free.  It would be nice to have her with me since she is self conscious about her weight.  If not looks like I am on my own.  But its okay, I made some new friends on Monday. To go or not to go... that is the question lol  I think I am going to pay the $15 and go tonight.  I got to lose about 40-50lbs before April. :)

5 Months Already... Wow

I just do not know where the last 5 months have gone.  It seems like it was yesterday that I found out that my FET was a success and that I was having twins.  But in reality it was this time last year that all of my dreams came true.  I cannot believe that as of Tuesday the 18th the boys will be 20 weeks! Where has the time gone?? I honestly cannot remember them as the tiny babies they were born at.  Well 7lbs 1oz and 6lbs 4 oz are not really that small for twins.  But right now they have to be at least 15 plus pounds.  They have doubled in size and it just seems to be going too fast for me. In the last five months I have watched them grow and develop their own personalities which by the way are completely different.  Ethan is his momma's boy where as Parker could be fine on his own.  They both have started solids and when they see the spoon and bowl come out i'm afraid they will bounce right out of their seats. :) They talk and laugh all day long and have been rolling over nonstop.  They have been attempting sitting up on their own.  They are still wobble a little but they are getting the hang of it.  They scoot too! I am getting nervous because I know that crawling is in the near future and then I am in trouble. :) They are getting sooo big! Please slow down for me just a little. Pretty please?

The Beginning.... Trails and Tribulations

So I am not much of a writer but another one of my multiple mommas started a blog to keep track of every little thing that goes on in her little ones lives. She figured this would be a good idea this way later on they would have some memories of the past that they wouldn't really know about. So here is my story....


I met Billy in August of 2002, we hung out quiet a bit but on September 1st 2002 he officially asked me out. That was the day my life changed. In 2006 he proposed to me while on vacation in Myrtle Beach and on September 22,2007 I married my best friend on a beautiful autumn day. We had decided that we wanted to start right away on trying for a baby. Well we had no luck and after about 6 months we decided that it would happen when it was meant to. Little did I know that I would actually have something medically wrong that would be the cause for a lot of heart ache. I had gone to my PCP and was discussing possible issues I could have going on that would cause us not to be able to conceive. I said its been about a year my cycles are usually normal why can't I get pregnant? I asked about the possibility of having PCOS. My dr flat out told me I was considered obese and that PCOS wasn't an option and wouldnt test me because I didn't have any outward signs. I left upset an confused. Why had she even refused to test me? Was it just because I was fat?? She just blamed my weight for my infertility. I finally took matters into my own hands and looked up fertility specialists in the area. I located Dr. Levine and he was the owner of Hudson Valley Fertility. We made an appointment and met with him. He was a very intelligent and friendly man. He spoke about how he got into this particular field. He said that both of his daughters were conceived via IVF and that he wanted to give others the happiness and families they wanted and deserved. He asked about what insurance we had. When we said that we had GHI HMO he was very blunt and said that this insurance only covers tests no actual treatments. So we said that we wanted to start some testing.  


He had scheduled me for an internal ultrasound so that he could actually look at my uterus and had Billy give a sample and wanted him to see a urologist.  He seen the urologist first to make sure he did not have a varicocele.  After all tests and ultrasounds they determined this was not an issue.  His sample then provided a large quantity but they were a little on the slow side but no cause for concern so they said it had to be me.  So I went for my internal and immediately Dr. Levine noticed something with my ovaries. He pointed out dark spots all around them and asked me if I had any idea on what I thought they could be.  I told him I had no idea.. he said that is what we call the black peal necklace... I remember looking at him completely confused.  He said they are cysts. And he did some blood tests and determined that I did in fact have PCOS. I wanted to cry because I knew that is what was wrong with me.  Other tests indicated that I do not always release an egg.  My body goes through the motions but there isn't always something there.  If that makes any sense? I ended up leaving knowing that one of the only ways we could possible conceive was to go through an IUI or IVF.  I honestly at that point didnt want to go through with it because I felt that if God wanted me to have a baby he would have blessed me with one.  We ended up first trying 3 rounds of clomid starting in June of 2009.  Dr,Levine suggested this 1st and if it didn't work then we would figure out what to do next.   In August I felt like I was pregnant and took a test early.  I could have sworn I seen a faint line. So I decided that I would obviously wait to get a better reading.  4 days later I had my monthly visit and it was extremely painful and heavy.  I was crushed and I cried.  Later that afternoon we decided on going for a bike ride with some friends.  We got back to the car to load up the bikes and my phone started to ring. I answered it because I seen it was my brother.  This particular brother usually doesnt called unless he has to complain about something or wants something from you.  So as I answer if blurts out that him and his girlfriend are expecting. I felt my heart break. I was happy for them but it was a kick in the stomach to me.  Why was it so easy for them and I have to struggle? I congratulated them and spent the next 2 days in hiding just crying.  I didn't want to be bothered with anyone and I couldn't even stand the sight of them together with her ever growing belly. February 2010 came around and we decided to take the next step since Billy had switched insurances so that we could get stuff done  We found out that our current insurance covers IUI and IVF up to 50k in a lifetime.


So in February we decided to start all tests and hormone injections.  April 12, 2010 we had our egg retrieval. We were told they retrieved about 27 eggs! After injecting the mature ones with Billy's sperm we had 7 viable embryos.  On April 17th they transferred 2 and froze the remaining 5. On April 29th which was also my 27th birthday we received the news that we were pregnant. We had our 1st ultra sound on May 18, 2010 and seen our little bean and its heartbeat which was measured at 139.  We were determined to be at 6w4d. 

Dr. Levine said he wanted us to come back in 2 weeks for another routine ultrasound. So on June 1st my mom and brother accompanied me to the dr.  I was soo excited for my mom to see our little Baby Duschaneck.  Dr. Levine starts the ultrasound and gets very quiet my mom says she has no idea what she is looking at since its been about 17 years for her. I knew exactly what it was.. it was my baby without a heartbeat. He hugged me and told me that I should get dressed and go down to his office so we can discuss the next route. With my mom by my side we sat with the dr.  He said that my body hadn't even registered that I was miscarrying and that it had likely happened within the last 24 hours since I was measuring 8w4d which was right on track. He said that I could let my body go through the miscarriage naturally or have a D&C.  I opted for the D&C and on June 6th I had the procedure done. After I woke up he came and and spoke to me and said that they would do genetic testing  and other tests on the baby to see what could have caused this.  He also asked if I had ever been pregnant before.  My heart had stopped and I said no.. well not that I was aware of why? He said while doing the procedure he noticed scar tissue in my uterus which could have been related to a past pregnancy.  A couple weeks later I went back in to be check out to make sure everything was healing properly and to give me results of the tests. He said everything looked good and that my genetic tests came back good. No genetic issues... but that I had some sort of clotting disorder(cant remember which one) and my body pretty much clotted the baby out.  That made me sad and he also informed me that the baby would have been a boy. That made everything a little harder but I asked him when we could try again.  He said I needed to have a menstrual flow first and the next time to get in would be August 6th. A few weeks before this scheduled transfer date I went in for some routine checks and found out that I now had polyps in my uterus and that I needed to undergo another D&C. So I ended up not having a transfer on the 6th but I did have the D&C.  It was successful and they had me get ready for the next cycle on September 24th.  A week prior to the scheduled transfer they did an ultrasound to measure my lining and determined that on top of the lovenox injections, progestrone suppositories, baby aspirin  and estrogen patches that I now needed to take estrogen pills and my patches had to be upped to 3 every other day(directions on the box says 1 every 7 days so you get an idea of how much was going into my body... talk about hormonal and crazy) The 24th came and went and I was not in that group... finally on the 27th I was brought in for the transfer of 3 embryos.  


On October 11th I recieved the news that we were pregnant again! I couldn't have been any happier.  On the 17th while driving home I started getting some slight cramping.  I rushed home and ran into the bathroom and when I wiped I seen blood.  I immediately started to cry and called Billy to come home.  He came home and took me to the hospital.  They did blood tests and an ultrasound.  The very inexperienced ER dr came in and said that I was loosing both babies because my hormone levels we low and the size of them didn't look right. I cried the whole way home and all night.  I called Dr. Levine first thing in the morning and he had me come in at 11:30am.  I ran in and he did an ultrasound. He said I look perfect for about a 5 week pregnancy and he showed me fetal poles and all. He said come back in a week for another ultrasound.

A week later at 6 weeks I went in and received this image. :)

After that the rest is pretty much history. I did have another ER visit  for bleeding and had spotting and all until I was 12 weeks.  We found out at 17 weeks that both were going to be boys.  And on May 31st 2011 I delivered 2 beautiful and healthy baby boys at 2:04 and 2:05pm. 


I waited so long for these boys and I couldn't be happier! I have everything that I ever wanted!

Parker- 3 Months

Ethan- 3 Months